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When I was growing up I didn't know how to look at myself. I didn't know why I was created. Why Me? I heard people talking about you need to have confidence but stay away from pride. What can I say about myself that will display I am confident without being arrogant? Knowing yourself was the key ingredient for success I heard. I remember doing tests where I was asked numerous questions to determine which profession I should pursue. I hated those things. How can you answer questions about yourself when you don’t know who you are? Did that mean success and I will never meet?

When I was very young 4 or 5 I was told I was pretty a lot. Umuhle yezwa sisi (you are beautiful young lady). Then I would say Ngiyabonga.  I had so many young gals who would ask to be umama wami wokudlala (Play mom) and I loved it. I think my search for people approval was planted then. Being called “pretty” gave me an identity. I heard it so many times I started to believe I was beautiful. I walked around like a beautiful person should (Hahaha). I disowned beauty when I got to school. Now the phrase I heard was “clever”. I didn't think to team them together. I was now clever. I would always be in the top 3 in my class. In my school the top 10 achievers from each grade were called out in a ceremony infront of parents and students and celebrated. Because some people in the township didn't work, it used to be a community showcase. People would come even if they didn't have children in the school. I was being singled out in-front of my community as one of the best students! WOW that felt good.

In my youth

I took the title of clever until I got to high school. I went to a multi-racial school.  I remember working so hard trying to achieve the top class status I was accustomed to but it didn't work. Here other people were clever and I was an average student. I had to find something else to build my identity on. I thought of God. Let me explain, I grew up in a Christian home. Every Sunday I went to church. My grandma and mom would quiz me about verses I read at children’s ministry so I had to listen. I knew of God. I grew up knowing that I had to go to church. Even when my grandma didn't have strength to go to church anymore she would wake me and my sister up for church. It would be on her bed. We would sing beautiful Xhosa hymns and then read the bible. We would each share what we understood from the scripture and pray. My gran’s church was the best! So pursuing God was something I knew of. So when I realised that I was no-longer had a base to see myself in I tried to know God more. I was trying with my own human effort.  I didn't know about the Holy Spirit being my helper. I was trying to be religious. By religious I mean that I thought I could do things to gain favour with God. I read the bible, went to church, sang songs of praise and tried to be good. Nothing was satisfying me. 

I read Joyce Meyer’s book on the confident woman and it was the first time in my life I knew how I could look at myself. My confidence had to be rooted in Jesus Christ. I was righteous before God because of Jesus. Jesus loved me enough to die for me! I am purchased at a high price – the very blood of God 1 Corinthians 6:20! I started going to a spirit-lead church where I learnt more about this loving God. What I am learning is that looking at yourself the way God sees you is a constant journey. I still have to stop myself from seeking human approval about everything I do. I change my hairstyle and fear people may say I look ugly. I feel real good when they say I look great. I make a mistake at work and try to over compensate by working extra hours and putting too much effort at the expense of other things that are more important in my life.  Sometimes the driver of my effort is human approval. God says I am worthy he died for me when I was still a sinner. God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). God sent his only son to die for me because he approves of me completely - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son (John 3:16). What a liberating thought, to think that all I need to do is to bring glory to God. My purpose is to thank him for saving me! So now I do work hard at work but it’s for people to ask what drives me so I can tell them about Jesus. And I do make myself look beautiful; try to exercise, eat healthy, wear beautiful clothes and change my hairstyle but it’s because I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. My body is a temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19). So now I do things that I want to do, not seeking human approval but always asking God is this where I am supposed to be? It’s a constant battle with the flesh (natural human desires) but the Holy Spirit helps me to ground my perspective of who I am in Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I get it wrong by each day I wake up with a hope of getting better at being who God created me to be.

Image courtesy of google images