Grateful

This post was easy to write but difficult to post. I prayed about it, hoping I would get an answer that said "you don't have to post this one". I didn't. What I want to emphasize is that this is the person I used to be. It's not who I am now. I find that the enemy uses the things we find shameful against us so that we keep them hidden. This was so well hidden I even forgot I had it in my past. So here goes...

How do I think positively when my impulsive self gravitates towards dark and negative thoughts. I basked in negative thinking. Suicidal thoughts were my indulgence. If I made a mistake, I would wish I were dead. I know that the only reason I didn’t act on it was my  fear of the unknown. I even googled what happens to someone who claims to love God yet commits suicide. The answers varied. I couldn’t take the chance of not knowing! From a young age, my diary was negative. I remember asking my mom to read it. I think it was my cry for help.  My poor mother, sent me to a psychologist. He diagnosed me early without really trying to get to the root of the problem.  I decided to end the sessions.

My favourite shows were the self help shows. I would watch them searching for something that will cure me from this indulgence. The shows spoke about the WHAT - replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. For every negative thought, they would say, replace it with 5 good thoughts !! The audience would applaud, then ordinary people who have used this principle would talk about how it changed their lives. I think I was too far gone. I struggled with one good  thought never mind 5!  I bought the books and really tried to do the exercises. I couldn’t teach myself to be more positive.  

“I am a woman who is deeply troubled…I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.” 

(1 Samuel 1:15)

I am so grateful to this day to my family and friends. They kept me alive without even realising it.  By them being in my life, it meant that I had something  valuable to offer. Which is why to this day I hold my family and friends with such high regard. I am so grateful to my family for being there for me and supporting me in everything I did. I thank the family who chose me - Sthembile my best friend in primary school. Nonny, Lulu, Lindy, Sara, Dikeledi, Christine and Tash for choosing to be my friends in grade 8 (Even with my Zulu English!). I am grateful to my friends Sisi, Nthakoana, Loini, Phumi, and Linda for the best high school experience ever! Thank you to my varsity friends Ncumisa, Fikiswa, Lebo, Nonny, Kaylene, Yanga , Keke, Josina and Kanyisa.  You were my friends when I was still searching for the light. Ngiyabonga.

My turning point was “the secret”. I remember listening to the “claim it and have it” principle. That I felt that I could do. I could claim I was more positive and be positive. I could claim I was kind and be kind. I could claim prosperity and be prosperous. Yay! Finally something that told you not the WHAT but HOW I could do it. After imagining my car with electronic windows and central lock for years without getting it, I went back to my foolish ways.

I needed something that I didn’t have to try hard to change myself.  One of the most beneficial things I did was read my bible more. Have one on one moments with God.  I meditated on scripture to help change my view of myself. My favourite scriptures even today are “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  (Psalm 139: 13). I realised God purposely created me. Everything about me was pre-planned - He chose the father I have, the mothers I have, the family I was born into and the circumstance I was born into. None of it was  a mistake. That was encouraging.  

My other scripture was “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful” (Psalm 139:14). As my knowledge and love for God grew, I started to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believed that I am his workmanship and that he did a good job in creating me.

God changed me into a more positive person. I asked God to help me see myself the way he sees me. I didn’t go for therapy but meditated on the word of God. As person who had suicidal thoughts, I can honestly say there is nothing worse than someone telling you to think positive thoughts or write a gratitude diary. I wrote plenty of things to be grateful about and I was grateful momentarily, but couldn’t step out of that darkness for long. I found pleasure in thinking bad thoughts so it was easy to revert back to it. The negativity is a symptom of a bigger problem. One needs to deal with the source of the problem first. God is revealing to me what triggered this. I am still working through some of the “junk” with him. It’s an ongoing journey of acceptance, courage, learning from the past and the power of forgiveness.

God bless