Life as a mission

On the 10 May my pastor (Dan) was preached on “growing in worship”. As he unpacked the discussion I realise that he was preaching about worshiping Idols. He mentioned people in different religions who worship idols. Then I was calm because I didn't worship any idols – I worship God. As he spoke I realised that worshiping idols was not limited to those religions. We as Christians can also find ourselves worshiping other things besides God. Christians like me could desire, long and love other things more than God. He pointed out that our God is a jealous God. He promises to punish generation after generation for worshiping other gods. Exodus 20:5 says “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.”

Then Dan unpacked what these idols could be - money, work, family, friends, sports, celebrities, lust, sexual immorality, adultery and bitterness. He said it was anything that gives us more “happiness” than bringing glory to God. It’s anything that causes us to disobey God because we are choosing that desire over God. Jesus says in John 14:15 "If you love me, keep my commands”.

He said something that has given my life a purpose; I am on a mission. Jesus stated to the disciples, “As the Father has sent me, so send I you.” This is the same mission I am on - bringing the Good news of Jesus Christ to those around me. My life has to testify of God’s anointing. I have to live my life in a way that bears fruits of the Holy Spirit as seen in Galations 5:22. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.

Dan asked that we stop looking at this mission for Christ as separate from the rest of our lives but as am integral part of our lives. The glue that holds our lives together and gives us fulfillment (see diagram below). Therefore, when I am at work, I need to be the salt in my workplace so people see I am different. Then I can then tell them about my God. The living God that I praise! It is quite a challenge but we have a helper in the Holy Spirit.

Now, I have a new passion - to bring glory to God. I love this verse because it shows that God cares even about the little things even eating and drinking – “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

Making friends

I used to say that "I am too old to be making new friends". This was a way for me to limit my already wide circle of friends. I decided to leave the familiarity of home I moved to Dubai. Being away from the people I love, made me realise that making friends was imperative. I no longer had the luxury of a wide circle of friends back home.

Ruan is a friend I met through work. We were the two people my company had recruited directly from South Africa. They booked us at the same hotel. He heard that I had finally arrived (he had been around for a month already) and invited me to dinner. I thought that was so kind and considerate of him. I was more than happy to accept the invite as I was sitting in my room wondering whether I had made the right decision. And it was great to chat to someone from home! He is genuine, so easy to get along with and I can be myself around him. He has a wealth of information and I am learning so much from him. He is also my handy man! When I need help around my place, especially with building self assemble furniture, I know he is a phone call away.

I met Brett through Nkulu. They are high school friends. He invited me to a restaurant by the Dubai Creek. Such a beautiful place, and the weather complimented the venue. We had such a great lunch and spoke like we were old friends. He told me about life in Dubai and great tips on the dos and don'ts . I could see why my boyfriend had decided to hook us up. I learnt that he is quite sporty - cycling and running. He even runs in the Dubai heat! He told me that the trick is to keep running don't stop otherwise you feel the heat! I told him about my experience at the first church I attended in Dubai and he introduced me to City Lights. I thanked Nkulu for hooking us up and told him that Brett was an "awesome person" and has a "good heart". I have been in Dubai for 5 months now and I can say those words are very true!

Top: Meeting Brett for the first time. Bottom: Ruan joining my friend Kanyisa and I for ice cream.

I met Tryfina at City Lights church. She is God-sent. I will forever be grateful for the kindness she showed me. She welcomed me into her home when I was temporarily homeless.  The flat I had secured had some technical  issues as it was a new building and my move in date was a moving targeting. The 1st month's accommodation was paid for by my company. I then extended the accommodation by 2 weeks hoping my agency could secure another place in the meantime. My 2 weeks were ending and the hotel was costing me a fortune. I also didn't like the hotel itself and felt it I was wasting money on accommodation I didn't like. I knew I had to move out.  I had only been at City Lights for 2 weeks and met Tryfina during that time. 3 weeks into meeting her I asked her whether she could accommodate me whilst I was looking for a flat. To this day I bring glory to God that she said yes. She took a chance on me. She didn't know me and had she not been around, I would have been in a dire situation. What I love about God is that he used this opportunity to give me a social life in Dubai. Tryfina's friends became my friends. We had fun together going to movies, dinners and dancing. She really helped me to ease into Dubai. And she gave me lots of advice since she had been in Dubai for longer. Thank you once again Tryfina. Thank you for accommodating me into your home. My words cannot begin to express how grateful I am. As that guy said - I could have been psycho (lol!). May this spirit of giving and opening your home to others continue in your life. May this wonderful God we serve bless you with all the desires of your heart.

Tryphina and I having fun at various events - concerts, horse racing and ofcourse networking.

My friendship circle has been extended by men and women who love the Lord. I met Dieketseng and I love how she initiated a prayer as we were driving to our holiday destination. I now know someone who likes pictures more that I do (my SA family and friends will get this one!). She has a contagious smile. She is blessed with the most gorgeous voice and I have already asked her to sing at my wedding one day! Winnie, told me her story of how she landed in Dubai and you can see God's grace in it. She is so easy to get along with, kind and considerate. I really enjoy talking to her because I leave the conversation realising how GOOD God is.  Natasha is such an awesome person! I love our chats - they are so real and we had this connection from the moment we met! She has a love for children and you should see all the little kids at church jumping on her! She has the most infectious energy and the warmest "big hear" hugs. When I hug her I feel at home.

Top: Dieketeng; Natasha & Winnie and I. Bottom:  Friends from church

My family

My parents were never married. I don't know them together as a couple although from the stories I've heard they were deeply inlove. I heard that my mom was a brilliant ballroom dancer and my dad used to attend her classes to make sure the dance partner did not try any of his moves on her! LOL! In 1985 my parents made decisions that would cement their decision to lead their lives separate from each other. My mom gave birth to my beautiful sister and my dad got married to Ma Nobe. The only thing that would speak about this bond they once had is me. I guess as much as I hate the name, I get why my grandma called me Witness. I am a "witness" of this love my parents once shared.

I have had times where I wish my parents had stayed together. Times I wished they would have made it work for my sake. Today, I look back at my life and I am so grateful to God that he planned it the way he did.

I am blessed to have a woman of such strong character as my mother. My mom is a single mom. She has raised my sisters and my brother on her own. She never once complained to the point where I am only realising now what an enormous task it is to raise a child. My mother took this role with both hands and did her very best. All my siblings love God. They know fellowship with Jesus. They long for more of Jesus. They speak about his greatness with a knowing that without him there is no life.  Moreover the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live (Deuteronomy 30:6). God has fulfilled this promise because my mother realised that she cannot raise us without God. Because she loves God and has taught her children to do the same, God has "circumcised" our heart so the we love the Lord with all our hearts and soul. My mother has echoed the words mentioned in 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear than my children are walking in the truth. I would like to thank her for never once making me feel like she is threatened by my relationship with Ma Nobe. I am really grateful for that. 

My sister Akhona continues to be my inspiration. She raised my sister and brother when I chose to go to boarding school. She is ambitious and always pushing herself to move to the next level. She is full of love and very caring. She is married to Nathan and they are expecting their first child in July/Aug. My sister Lerato has had a journey in her life. She tried pushing her boundaries. We all continued to show her that she is loved. This year she volunteered to go back to school and is currently working towards finishing her high school. She speaks of God and her wisdom astounds me. She is a talented poet. Nathan has been such a blessing to all of us especially - my brother Ntsika. He has been the brother Ntsika has never had. My brother is talented and God continues to show his goodness in his life. Ntsika is so such a strong individual. Having gone from one school to another. He continues to cheerfully take up the challenge of finding new friends and adjusting to a new school environment. I would like to thank my mother for all that she has done for us.

My family at Akhona's wedding

I have had the privileged of seeing a successful marriage from my family. My dad has been married to Ma Nobe for 28 years! My father speaks about Ma Nobe with such love and admiration. He fulfils the scripture when it says "her husband praises her: Many women do noble things but you surpass them all." (Proverbs 31:29). He not only speaks that he loves her, he shows her.  He shows he cares by holding her hand in public or kissing her whenever he sees her. This is great for us as his children to see. For my brother to learn how he should treat his wife and for me to learn how I should be treated by my husband. Ma Nobe married my dad purely for love, I say this because we live in a society where people marry for the wrong reasons. My dad had nothing. He was a poor boy from Embokodweni and she was more privileged background in Emlazi (As privileged as your family can be under the apartheid system). She saw potential in him. She supported his dreams. She also accepted all of him - me included. My parents are blessed with a son. My brother's name is Vukani. I have seen first hand what support is like when it comes from parents who love each other and extend this love to you. Every decision my parents have made is fueled by their aligned vision of wanting the best for my brother. Vukani is blessed because from a young age has always known what he wants to be when he grows up. There are adults who die not knowing what they want to be when they grow up! He wants to be a pilot. My parents have supported this decision from the beginning. And have fueled his love for planes by making sure he boards one on a long-distance trip at least once a year! Thank you to my parents for showing me that marriage is something worth desiring.

Enjoying a dessert safari with my family in Dubai

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be Psalm 139:16. I know that my life as it is was planned by God long before I was born. This makes me realise that none of it was a mistake. It's all part of God's perfect plan for me. And sometimes I won't understand but I have to rely on his abounding faithfulness and his unfailing love.

God bless

I will wait for you

Waiting for the man God has chosen for you. Love this spoken word by Janette. My favourite line is "I will no longer get rated down by so called friends and family talks about the concern of my biological clock when I serve the author of time." Beautiful poem. Love! Love! Love! 

(video courtesy of youtube)

In loving memory

The prayer my grandmother taught me when I was young:

Dear Father God,

I thank you for all kinds of people.
Teach me, how to be kind to others.
Day by day. Amen

In loving memory of Gogo Mon Mon ophilayo! You are missed. You are loved.

Thank you for laying my foundation in Jesus Christ.

Grateful

This post was easy to write but difficult to post. I prayed about it, hoping I would get an answer that said "you don't have to post this one". I didn't. What I want to emphasize is that this is the person I used to be. It's not who I am now. I find that the enemy uses the things we find shameful against us so that we keep them hidden. This was so well hidden I even forgot I had it in my past. So here goes...

How do I think positively when my impulsive self gravitates towards dark and negative thoughts. I basked in negative thinking. Suicidal thoughts were my indulgence. If I made a mistake, I would wish I were dead. I know that the only reason I didn’t act on it was my  fear of the unknown. I even googled what happens to someone who claims to love God yet commits suicide. The answers varied. I couldn’t take the chance of not knowing! From a young age, my diary was negative. I remember asking my mom to read it. I think it was my cry for help.  My poor mother, sent me to a psychologist. He diagnosed me early without really trying to get to the root of the problem.  I decided to end the sessions.

My favourite shows were the self help shows. I would watch them searching for something that will cure me from this indulgence. The shows spoke about the WHAT - replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. For every negative thought, they would say, replace it with 5 good thoughts !! The audience would applaud, then ordinary people who have used this principle would talk about how it changed their lives. I think I was too far gone. I struggled with one good  thought never mind 5!  I bought the books and really tried to do the exercises. I couldn’t teach myself to be more positive.  

“I am a woman who is deeply troubled…I was pouring out my soul to the LORD.” 

(1 Samuel 1:15)

I am so grateful to this day to my family and friends. They kept me alive without even realising it.  By them being in my life, it meant that I had something  valuable to offer. Which is why to this day I hold my family and friends with such high regard. I am so grateful to my family for being there for me and supporting me in everything I did. I thank the family who chose me - Sthembile my best friend in primary school. Nonny, Lulu, Lindy, Sara, Dikeledi, Christine and Tash for choosing to be my friends in grade 8 (Even with my Zulu English!). I am grateful to my friends Sisi, Nthakoana, Loini, Phumi, and Linda for the best high school experience ever! Thank you to my varsity friends Ncumisa, Fikiswa, Lebo, Nonny, Kaylene, Yanga , Keke, Josina and Kanyisa.  You were my friends when I was still searching for the light. Ngiyabonga.

My turning point was “the secret”. I remember listening to the “claim it and have it” principle. That I felt that I could do. I could claim I was more positive and be positive. I could claim I was kind and be kind. I could claim prosperity and be prosperous. Yay! Finally something that told you not the WHAT but HOW I could do it. After imagining my car with electronic windows and central lock for years without getting it, I went back to my foolish ways.

I needed something that I didn’t have to try hard to change myself.  One of the most beneficial things I did was read my bible more. Have one on one moments with God.  I meditated on scripture to help change my view of myself. My favourite scriptures even today are “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  (Psalm 139: 13). I realised God purposely created me. Everything about me was pre-planned - He chose the father I have, the mothers I have, the family I was born into and the circumstance I was born into. None of it was  a mistake. That was encouraging.  

My other scripture was “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful” (Psalm 139:14). As my knowledge and love for God grew, I started to believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I believed that I am his workmanship and that he did a good job in creating me.

God changed me into a more positive person. I asked God to help me see myself the way he sees me. I didn’t go for therapy but meditated on the word of God. As person who had suicidal thoughts, I can honestly say there is nothing worse than someone telling you to think positive thoughts or write a gratitude diary. I wrote plenty of things to be grateful about and I was grateful momentarily, but couldn’t step out of that darkness for long. I found pleasure in thinking bad thoughts so it was easy to revert back to it. The negativity is a symptom of a bigger problem. One needs to deal with the source of the problem first. God is revealing to me what triggered this. I am still working through some of the “junk” with him. It’s an ongoing journey of acceptance, courage, learning from the past and the power of forgiveness.

God bless

My favourite story

I subscribe to the Daily Encourager and they always share a wonderful story with a biblical message in it. This is one of my many favourites:

The Painting

Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate.

The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world. 

As winter approached, war engulfed the nation, and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again.

Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic. Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Easter holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season, a season that he and his son had so looked forward to, would visit his house no longer. On Easter morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man.

As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."

As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told everyone of his father's love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail.

Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace. A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task.

True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Easter gazing at the gift he had been given. During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched. He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart.

As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received. The following spring, the old man became ill and passed away. The art world was in anticipation.

With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Easter day, the day he had received his greatest gift.

The day soon arrived. Art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings. Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son.

The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked. Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement.

"No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man and his son spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"

The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over.

Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all!"

Just as those art collectors discovered on that Easter day, the message is still the same - the love of a Father - a Father whose greatest joy came from His Son who left his home and gave his life rescuing others. And because of that Father's love... whoever takes the Son gets it all.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son; that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

Get your  Daily Encourager  FREE  each weekday, click on the following link:  http://go.netatlantic.com/read/all_forums/subscribe?name=thedailyencourager

The gift of singleness

I was going to write about being single. The more I got knowledgeable about this gift the more I realised I have some time to go before I really use it well. I am so caught up in trying to move to the next stage - finding  a boyfriend or getting married - that I didn't appreciate this gift. I was unwise at times in my pursuit bringing men into my life who didn't value me. I am currently dating and although I am single before God, my dynamic is different to someone who doesn't have a boyfriend at all. Thus I have turned to the experts on this one. This is a powerful sermon by David Platt. Give yourself time to listen and be challenged. 

I love this point that he makes "Singleness has a purpose that we must be careful not to waste. Use your singleness to bring glory to God." 

Personally this is still work in progress - I'm learning to embrace my singleness even though I have a desire to get married and have children. I'm learning how to be content in this very situation and trusting/leaning on the truth that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

(video courtesy of youtube)

Singleness

Carolyn McCulley speaks with wisdom about being single. I wish I had heard this from my youth pastors when I was younger. Trusting God in my singleness.  Enjoying being single. Being content when I was in a relationship and when I wasn't. 

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/singleness

(clip courtesy of www.desiringgod.com

I was lost but now I am found

This is my experience of being almost reformed by religion to being transformed by Jesus Christ. Please note this is my story. There are people who have had a different experiences in the Catholic church. This is my account, my story of God's grace over my life. 

I grew up in a God-fearing home. My grandma was a Methodist and she glorified God. We prayed together, read the bible together and went to church together. My grandma would insist we sit with her and not at the children's section during the church service. To this day I don't understand why the African churches don't encourage families to sit together if they want to. When my grandma passed on, my mother took over the role. My mom preferred the Catholic church. We went with her to church every Sunday. And every Sunday I left church not knowing anything about Jesus. My church was in the township of Madadeni, we would have priests who could not speak isiZulu proficiently preaching the word of God in isiZulu. I remember a priest would stand in front of the congregation and he would sound like a child as he stumbled through his sermon. As the priest's isiZulu improved, he would change and another priest would start his journey of learning isiZulu using us as his guinea pigs. So I never got fed. I remember I would take my offering money and try get change from the offering bowel so that I could buy chips and isiqeda (see image below) for the walk home. The only time I was fed was when my mom would make us pray in the evenings. I feel that my church was so unmoved by the presence of God that they changed the tithe from 10% to 2%. Their reason was because that was the only thing people could afford. The percentage is irrelevant. To this day it saddens me that we think a God who created all things is not able to provide for his people.  The message should have been give generously. Let the spirit of God guide you to how much you should give to the church. Give because God has already given you the greatest gift of all - his only begotten Son. 

Isiqeda: It's tasty and comes in different flavours

When I got to university I found another Catholic Church. It was a church in Cape Town and there the priest spoke English. I could understand and follow his message! Felt moved by his preaching at times but always went back to my ways. It was the same pattern; moved on Sunday and go back to my ways again during the week. In Catholicism you have a number of classes that you have to attend and I had done most besides confirmation. I wanted to get confirmed in a Catholic Church. I was in a Methodist boarding school so I chose to postpone it. I started attending confirmation classes. I really enjoyed the fellowship with others. We debated, wrestled with scripture and I enjoyed the community formed with the group. I really felt like I was making the right decision by getting confirmed. My boyfriend came to visit me the weekend of my confirmation. He was 7th day Adventist so he didn't understand what confirmation meant to me. I allowed him to talk me out of getting confirmed. I went to the priest and told him I was not ready to get confirmed. I don't remember what he said but the gist of the message was even though I was unsure I could still proceed. He also mentioned that my name was already on the program and the bishop was coming all this way for me. I told him I was sorry for the inconvenience but I couldn't. I forgot to tell my friends that I wasn't getting confirmed anymore and they attended the service and never saw me. It's still something we laugh about with them! The story is not all sadness and gloom, I did get confirmed the following year. 

I knew about people being born again - I saw the bazalwane (saved people) in my township and church in Cape Town. I did not like both. I felt the bazalwane were too much - added God into every sentence, amen into every word, were judgmental and some were in pursuit of wealth. To me, they weren't people but beings that were living in their own world. Then I went to a couple of services at another church - the praise & worship and preaching were phenomenal. Maybe it was the space I was in but I didn't like people jayving (dancing like people in a club) in church. I realise now that it was because of the space I was in (coming from a Catholic Church) but for me if you want to dance kwasa kwasa do it at a concert or club not in church.  

In my first year of working I moved to Grace Family Church in Durban. There I got introduced to the concept of being born again.  I attended the Alpha course and I learnt about salvation. How because of the sin there was a huge gap between God and man. How God cannot stand the sight of sin. How God chose his only begotten son - sinless and precious - to be my sin offering. How by Jesus dying on the cross the gap between God and man was bridged. I learnt about the Holy Spirit. How he lives inside of me. At Grace I learnt that as a new creature in Christ I was no longer under the law. Jesus Christ has DONE it all for me. Jesus paid the price in FULL and redeemed me. I am bought at a high price. I don't need to DO anything to get into God's grace. I learnt that I can have an personal relationship with God because Jesus has made me righteous! 

"If you believe in grace, then let it change you. 
Don't use it as an excuse to stay the way you are." Joyce Meyers

I moved to Dubai and found another spirit-led church in City Lights. The leaders of my church are looking for God's guidance in all they do. I go to church expectant. I hear people's testimonies and I'm encouraged to pursue God even more. My relationship with him has grown to something so personal. I attend an Open Lounge (cell group) the environment is conducive for people to feel safe in sharing their struggles, their triumphs and everything else in between. I went on a course about the gifts of the Holy Spirit at church and this is the message I sent to my mom afterwards: "Yesterday I practiced the gift of prophesy. It was part of the course I am doing in Church - gifts of the Holy Spirit. Ma it was so powerful to be in a room and feel the presence of God the way I felt it yesterday. I prophesied over people. And they prophesied over me. It was a testimony in itself. I had a difficult time believing in prophesy - I sometimes feel that people can lie and there is nothing worse than getting people's hopes up when they won't materialized. Yesterday these ladies were telling me about my journey with Christ, His faithfulness and how he wants to move me to the next level. Things I had been praying about, longing for and waiting patiently to hear from God. They knew my prayers without me saying a thing. I cried and believed all at once. I am still emotional as I write this to you. Unbelievable! "

This was my mother's response: He wants us to go to that place called "THERE" - HIS throne of grace, where there is goodness & mercy; no condemnation; fullness of joy & peace; HIS presence forever with us; where we become manifested sons & daughters of God; where people see Christ in us! 

I pray that you will give your life to Jesus Christ and go THERE!

God bless. 

(images courtesy of google images)

Missing out

I am missing out yet again. It’s becoming a norm. I guess it can be expected. You cannot live far away from family & friends and not have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Missing out is my reality.

I missed a friend’s wedding in April. I was very sad. I really wanted to be there. And the pictures, videos and well wishes I saw confirmed what I know already. The wedding was as awesome as the couple getting married. My nephew turned 1 on the 31 May. His mom threw him a big celebration on her birthday 1 June! She sent me an invitation. It was so cute. The pictures confirmed that there was plenty of cake and lots of fun. I missed it too. I missed my friend’s pregnancy. I left she was hardly showing and now she has a beautiful baby girl. Sure we kept in touch, and she sent me lots of pictures of her growing tummy. I met the baby through 2D and 3D scans. I still felt that it would have been that much better had I been there to experience it. My sister is expecting her first child. She will be blessed with a boy. What a special moment! I would have loved to be present walking this journey with her! But I’m not there. I won’t even be present at her baby shower. I won't elaborate on missing the Sunday lunch with my family, wine dinners/tastings with my boyfriend or the dinners/getaways with my friends. Adding such details will make the list endless.

Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this. Ecclesiastes 7:10 (ESV) 

However, God has shown me time and time again that he wants me to be here. My relationship with him is growing. I surrounded by his everlasting goodness. His presence in my life is tangible. So even though I am missing out, I am glad God gave me people that are an extension of my heart. By them experiencing it, I get to share the moment with them. Whether it’s Nkulu sending me pictures of the happy couple on their wedding day; Nocebo sending me pictures of Kago’s birthday party; Siya sending me lots of pictures of her journey or Lerato demanding I get an invitation to Akhona's baby shower. It’s all part of this wonderful connection that God wants us to have with people. It’s at this very moment where their joy becomes my joy and their experiences become my experiences.  So I am still missing out but when I hear of these experiences I relive the moment through their eyes. And what a moment it is. Thank you Lord Jesus. 

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When I was growing up I didn't know how to look at myself. I didn't know why I was created. Why Me? I heard people talking about you need to have confidence but stay away from pride. What can I say about myself that will display I am confident without being arrogant? Knowing yourself was the key ingredient for success I heard. I remember doing tests where I was asked numerous questions to determine which profession I should pursue. I hated those things. How can you answer questions about yourself when you don’t know who you are? Did that mean success and I will never meet?

When I was very young 4 or 5 I was told I was pretty a lot. Umuhle yezwa sisi (you are beautiful young lady). Then I would say Ngiyabonga.  I had so many young gals who would ask to be umama wami wokudlala (Play mom) and I loved it. I think my search for people approval was planted then. Being called “pretty” gave me an identity. I heard it so many times I started to believe I was beautiful. I walked around like a beautiful person should (Hahaha). I disowned beauty when I got to school. Now the phrase I heard was “clever”. I didn't think to team them together. I was now clever. I would always be in the top 3 in my class. In my school the top 10 achievers from each grade were called out in a ceremony infront of parents and students and celebrated. Because some people in the township didn't work, it used to be a community showcase. People would come even if they didn't have children in the school. I was being singled out in-front of my community as one of the best students! WOW that felt good.

In my youth

I took the title of clever until I got to high school. I went to a multi-racial school.  I remember working so hard trying to achieve the top class status I was accustomed to but it didn't work. Here other people were clever and I was an average student. I had to find something else to build my identity on. I thought of God. Let me explain, I grew up in a Christian home. Every Sunday I went to church. My grandma and mom would quiz me about verses I read at children’s ministry so I had to listen. I knew of God. I grew up knowing that I had to go to church. Even when my grandma didn't have strength to go to church anymore she would wake me and my sister up for church. It would be on her bed. We would sing beautiful Xhosa hymns and then read the bible. We would each share what we understood from the scripture and pray. My gran’s church was the best! So pursuing God was something I knew of. So when I realised that I was no-longer had a base to see myself in I tried to know God more. I was trying with my own human effort.  I didn't know about the Holy Spirit being my helper. I was trying to be religious. By religious I mean that I thought I could do things to gain favour with God. I read the bible, went to church, sang songs of praise and tried to be good. Nothing was satisfying me. 

I read Joyce Meyer’s book on the confident woman and it was the first time in my life I knew how I could look at myself. My confidence had to be rooted in Jesus Christ. I was righteous before God because of Jesus. Jesus loved me enough to die for me! I am purchased at a high price – the very blood of God 1 Corinthians 6:20! I started going to a spirit-lead church where I learnt more about this loving God. What I am learning is that looking at yourself the way God sees you is a constant journey. I still have to stop myself from seeking human approval about everything I do. I change my hairstyle and fear people may say I look ugly. I feel real good when they say I look great. I make a mistake at work and try to over compensate by working extra hours and putting too much effort at the expense of other things that are more important in my life.  Sometimes the driver of my effort is human approval. God says I am worthy he died for me when I was still a sinner. God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). God sent his only son to die for me because he approves of me completely - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son (John 3:16). What a liberating thought, to think that all I need to do is to bring glory to God. My purpose is to thank him for saving me! So now I do work hard at work but it’s for people to ask what drives me so I can tell them about Jesus. And I do make myself look beautiful; try to exercise, eat healthy, wear beautiful clothes and change my hairstyle but it’s because I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. My body is a temple of God (1 Corinthians 6:19). So now I do things that I want to do, not seeking human approval but always asking God is this where I am supposed to be? It’s a constant battle with the flesh (natural human desires) but the Holy Spirit helps me to ground my perspective of who I am in Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I get it wrong by each day I wake up with a hope of getting better at being who God created me to be.

Image courtesy of google images

All my delight is in you Lord

Praise be to you Lord Jesus Christ! You are worthy of All praise and Glory! We exalt you on high! You are the alpha and the omega. King of kings. Lord of Lords. Author of salvation. Creator of heaven and Earth. You are my God. I live to bring you praise!

(video courtesy of youtube)